Could It Be Any Harder?
by vkf173
Summary: We all know Literati will come to a depressing end in the final few episodes of this season, this is how I hope it goes, please read and review!! FINAL CHAP UP!
1. The Return

A/N ~ Hey all! New story, not exactly sure where its going, so bear with me. I'm getting a lot of ideas, but suggestions are definitely welcome!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ Don't own anything, there may be a couple songs incorporated into certain chapters, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  
  
Summary ~ We all know Literati will come to a depressing end in the final few episodes of this season, this is how I hope it goes.  
  
Chapter One: The Return  
  
"I still can't believe you don't like that book, it's a classic. "  
  
I scowled and shook my head at him "Ernest Hemmingway is a chauvinist pig. Do you not think the way he treats Catherine like she exists purely for Frederick's pleasure is wrong?" I asked earnestly, trying to get him to see my side of the argument.  
  
He laughed a little "All right I will admit some of the things he has her say are definitely unflattering to females, but he writes magnificently. "  
  
I just glared at him sardonically, pulled his tattered copy of A Farewell To Arms out of my back pocket and flipped to one of the pages I had marked with a post it. I cleared my throat valiantly as he sighed exasperatedly at me, I ignored him said "Alright, page 106 and I quote. 'I want what you want. There isn't any me any more. Just what you want." And set the book down and glared at him. He opened his mouth to object and try to explain to me the hidden meaning but I cut him off, I wasn't interested in underlain connotations if they were expressed through bigotry "Same page . . . 'I'm good. Aren't I good? You don't want any other girls, do you?' then he say no and she says 'You see? I'm good. I do what you want.'" This time I tossed the book lightly back at him and smiled playfully as he stumbled in catching it "I knew there was a reason I couldn't get through Hemmingway, thank you for helping me rediscover it."  
  
Jess smiled and said teasingly "One of these days I will find something of Hemmingway's that you like."  
  
I tapped my chin, pondering sarcastically "Hmm . . . his obituary would be good . . . do you have that?" I exclaimed. He leaned on the counter and let his signature smirk play about his lips  
  
"You're impossible" he said shaking his head lightly.  
  
"I aim to please."  
  
And then he leaned down and kissed me lightly. It was only with Jess that I had ever felt anything truly special in just a kiss. Whenever he kissed me I felt chills run up and down my spine and my fingers tingled a little and this time was no exception. He pulled away and smiled at me, one of his real smiles, not a smirk but a patented Jess Mariano smile which he usually reserved for only me. Whenever he did that I always felt my heart melt inside, Jess was always himself around me and only me, and that made me feel special to know him the way I do.  
  
We just stood there in silence for a second before Luke called him into the kitchen for some reason or another, I wasn't really listening; something to do with bacon grease had poured in the sink and a clogged drainpipe. I sipped my piping hot coffee and stared off into space. Things had been amazing with Jess, not far from perfect actually.  
  
Just last week he came to my graduation and watched me throw my cap in the air, and afterwards he had surprised me with a bouquet of red roses and a book, Metamorphosis by Kafka, the perfect gift.  
  
 

Just then I heard the bells over the diner chime loudly and I looked around, expecting my mom to come running in, complaining about the construction workers at the Dragonfly. It had been a favorite topic of conversation lately and I had suffered many severely unpleasant mental pictures from her descriptions of the numerous plumbers' cracks she had witnessed.  
  
Instead I saw a man I didn't recognize standing in the doorway. He was of tallish medium height with deep brown eyes that had a familiar mysteriousness about them. His dark hair was graying but he didn't seem more then 40 and there was a worn look about him, like he had seen more in life then anyone would ever want to see. He wore a black business suit which immediately made me think he was an out-of-towner, you usually didn't see black on anyone in Stars Hollow except Morey in the summer, and not even he would venture out in a suit. He shifted nervously as he surveyed the diner and then his eyes rested on me and he said softly "Hi, Um I was wondering if Jess Mariano is here?"  
  
I nodded pleasantly and called out "Jess! Jess there's some guy out here, looks like FBI, Is there something you would like to share with me?!"  
  
Jess walked through the door to the kitchen and shot me a mischievous look as he responded "Nah, you already know about that bank I knocked over about a week ago." I laughed lightly at him,  
  
"Slipped my mind"  
  
I then turned back to the guy in the door and was about to say something but stopped when I noticed the look on his face. It was a mixture of flaring emotions, three stood out brightly as he surveyed Jess. Pain, guilt and regret shone on this guy's face as he stood there in silence, just staring at Jess.  
  
I shot a confused look at Jess who mirrored the expression I felt on my face. "Is there something I can help you with?" Jess asked politely, there was something about this stranger that seemed to demand civility, even from Jess.  
  
The man came suddenly back to earth and walked slowly to Jess, he paused and asked quietly "Are you Jess Alexander Mariano?" I shot Jess a teasing look . . . Alexander? He hadn't ever told me that, but Jess didn't look at me, his eyes were fixed on the man, confusion still evident in them.  
  
"Yes" he said slowly and finally glanced questioningly at me before looking back at the strange man. The man exhaled slowly as he held out his hand, which Jess took  
  
"I'm Jimmy, Jimmy Mariano." He whispered, but it was so quiet that everyone in the diner heard it.  
  
I sat there for a second, thinking I had heard wrong. I must have, this couldn't possibly be Jimmy Mariano, Jess' father. I looked at Jess, and as I did what I saw was all I needed for confirmation.  
  
I watched as his entire body tightened up, his mouth dropped open and his eyes became wide in shock, but then I saw a pained expression flit though them followed by anger and resentment. He dropped his father's hand and stepped back to lean against the counter before disappearing up the stairs.  
  
  
  
I sat there in complete astonishment for a second before looking at Jimmy, who was still standing there with his hand outstretched. So this was the man who had abandoned Jess before he was even born, the monster who never bothered to call or write, and when was brought up in any of our conversations was quickly dropped as Jess' eyes clouded over. I then jumped up and ran up the stairs to find Jess.  
  



	2. Just The Beginning

A/N Thanks for the reviews! I'm really trying hard to update daily but I'm leaving to go to Quebec on Tuesday for a vacation so I know that for about 5 days from Tuesday there will be no updates, sorry!! But put down the tar and feathers because I swear I will have daily updates after that. ALSO I know where this story is going and the last chapter may be a tear jerker depending on how well I write it, but for now, read on!! And don't forget to review!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I don't own anything except the plotline  
  


Chapter Two: Just The Beginning  
  
Once I reached the top of the stairs I paused shortly before opening the door to Luke and Jess' apartment, the wood creaking slightly as I slid delicately into the room and looked around to try and find Jess.  
  
He was sitting with his back to me on his bed, his hands on his knees, staring at the wall; he looked so small with his shoulders hunched sullenly and his head hanging down so that his chin touched his chest.  
  
I felt my eyebrows knit together in worry as I walked over and gently sat down next to him. He didn't even glance at me, his eyes instead remained fixed ahead, staring coldly at the wall. I sat there in silence for a few seconds my mind in a complete loss for words, what does one say to a person in this situation? Am I supposed to comfort him?  
  
He brought my mind back to the situation at hand by speaking extremely softly, but through the struggle for control I heard a hint of fiery hatred in his voice. "Why is he here?"  
  
I was again silent, still seemingly without a voice. Now I felt small, I wanted to soothe him, but didn't know how, I wasn't even sure how to act let alone say.  
  
He saved me from having to respond by getting up and leaning one hand on he wall, still not facing me "What would ever make him want to come here?" He asked venomously, he had never forgiven his dad for leaving him.  
  
This time I had an answer "Maybe he wanted to meet you Jess, you are his son." I said meekly.  
  
"Yea I'm his son, biologically anyway, But that doesn't make him a father, I don't even know him!" he turned around to look at me, eyes pleading for advice. I felt so useless when no words came, he needed me here and I couldn't help him. "How did he even know I was here?" he asked, voice full of pain.  
  
"Maybe your mom told him?" I offered,  
  
"How would he even know where to find her? They lived in L.A. when he left and now she lives in New York!" he exclaimed He fell back on the bed to sit next to me and put his head in his hands.  
  
"Jess, if it is how you say it is then he obviously went to a lot of trouble to find you, maybe he wants to make things right."  
  
I immediately regretted saying this and shrunk down even smaller as Jess' anger flared "How in God's name will he ever make it right? He can't turn back time a let me grow up with a father instead of whatever man my mother happened to be screwing at the time."  
  
I sat totally still as he rubbed his temples, words were a very dangerous thing right now, everything I said seemed to spark another flame of irate resentment. So instead of speaking I reached over and took his hand, when he finally looked at me he said slowly with a hint of an uncharacteristic waver to his voice, "I don't know what to do here, I'm completely lost."  
  
It was right then that Jess Mariano, the town's resident Holden Caulfield, looked like a little boy. His usually strong body slumped in helplessness and his lost eyes searching for some kind of stability on which he could lean for support, but all he found was me.  
  
I felt sympathy swell inside of me, a wave only succeeded by the new flush of loathing I felt toward Jess' dad, I suddenly hated him, without even knowing him I resented him for doing this to Jess. He didn't deserve this. The only thing that kept me calm was the fact that I knew that I needed to keep my cool here, my anger wouldn't help the situation or Jess, he was the one with the right to rant here, it was my job to comfort him, and I was already failing.  
  
It was then that I decided to do what I did best, and try to come up with a level headed, unbiased, logical solution. I paused for a moment as I shifted to totally face him and laced my fingers through his other hand. I felt the tension in him subside a little at my touch, but the anger still sparked in his deep eyes, and I could see a furious bitterness formulating on his face. "Jess, please don't get angry at me for saying this, but I think that you should give him a chance. He obviously came here for a reason, find out what it is. I'm not saying become buddy-buddy 'take me out to the ball game' father and son figures. But hear him out, he may have something important to say . . . Like maybe why he left in the first place." I watched apprehensively as Jess calculated my response and glanced around the room "I don't think . . . Jesus! I can't deal with this" his voice cracked with despair as he said that and then looked at me again.  
  
I then became aware of the fear in his voice and I felt my heart break for him, I reached up and let my fingers graze his cheek before saying softy and in what I hoped was a supportive voice "I'll be right here," but incase my emotions got the best of me and it hadn't come out the quietly confident way I wanted it to, I squeezed his other hand reassuringly. Jess nodded shortly before he stood up and we walked downstairs again. He paused at the base of the stairs and looked at me again, and when I nodded he stepped back into the diner.  
  
To our surprise the diner was almost completely empty save for Jimmy, who was sitting at the counter, staring at his hands, and Luke, who was standing near him, drying a coffee mug and shooting suspicious glances at him.  
  
As soon as Jess caught sight of his father again I felt him tense up, and I noticed his eyes becoming hard and his face barricading against emotion as his grip tightened, and Jimmy immediately looked up.  
  
There was silence in the diner for a good minute before Jess found his voice again "Why . . . I mean what, what are you doing here? What do you want?" he choked out. Though I could no longer see the cold resentment in his expression it was still evident in his voice, and Jimmy, noticing it to, faltered as he spoke.  
  
"I wanted to; I needed to, to see you, to talk to you."  
  
Jess snorted, "After eighteen years why the sudden desire to become paternal?"  
  
I felt in his grasp rather then heard in his voice the anger once again rising inside of him and Jimmy looked down at his hands again as he whispered, almost inaudibly,  
  
"I know . . . I know I screwed up. I know I have never been there, and I know I don't deserve the right to even speak to you, much less call you my son, but I'm asking for the chance to talk to you." He pulled a pen out of his breast pocket and wrote something down on a stray napkin and pushed it towards Jess, who picked it up and I caught sight of the scribbled words. An address, the second I saw it I felt my expression knit together, it was the Inn. Jess realized it too and glanced at me before nodding curtly and watching as Jimmy got up and walked toward the door.  
  
He stopped short of leaving; his hand on the doorknob, still facing the door, and spoke again "I'm staying for a week, and Jess? If I don't ever see you again then I want you to know that I'm sorry." And with that he pushed the door open and walked into the sunshine outside.  
  
I don't think anybody moved inside that diner for at least a full minute, and it was Jess who broke the tension by sitting heavily down on a stool on the counter. I think his knees just buckled and he more fell then sat as he let out a long breath and let his head drop into his hands, elbows resting on the hard surface.  
  
It was then that I realized that I had been holding my breath and let it out in a long slow hiss as I shot an apprehensive look at Luke, who was still planted firmly in the exact same spot, the long since dry coffee mug still being wiped furiously in his hands. Both of us remained silent, waiting for Jess to say something and when he didn't I stepped timidly toward him and placed my hand on his back.  
  
The second I did this I drew it back sharply, having felt his entire body go rigid the moment I touched him. My expression faltered and I bit my lip in worry as I watched all of his blockades go back up. All of them. Now even my touch did nothing to quell the demons running around inside of him, and I felt like crying, like throwing something heavy and hard, all I wanted to do was help him, and now even I couldn't. I hated watching him like this; I saw all of the hurt around him as I stood there powerlessly.  
  
Jess then stood up and walked toward the door, I moved to follow him but he just shook his head and disappeared into the sunshine outside. I stood there for a second, looking at the sun glinting off of the metal benches in the town square, at the lighthearted people walking around gaily on the roads, and the committee of people putting ribbons up around the gazebo in preparation for the Start of Summer Festival. Funny how the world around you can remain as it was before your own started crashing down on you.  
  
I just collapsed into a chair and rubbed my head furiously as Luke finally put down the coffee mug and leaned on the counter, both of us letting out another long breath simultaneously.  
  
This was just the beginning.


	3. A Confrontation

A/N Hey guys! Before you continue reading I want to thank everyone for the amazing feedback! You make my day! As such I should say to anyone and everyone FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED!!!! And moving on, I hope you like the chapter! Tell me what you think, suggestions are always welcome. Also I'm trying to think up screen names for Jess and Rory, and I need help (no this isn't going to turn into another 'CoffeeJunkie02 meets Nyer02' which by the way was an awesome story!! But I may incorporate a little online chat later.tell me what you think!!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but the storyline, sue me if you want, I'm not sure the clothes off my back are worth much, but you can try!!  
  
Spoilers ~ I never included this before!! Hehe sorry! Alright everything has happened, this is just my end for season 3  
  
Chapter 3: A Confrontation  
  
The silence in Luke's had remained absolute for a while after Jess' departure, the only sound that was heard was the tinkling of the bells over the door as I left.  
  
As I walked down the streets of Stars Hollow it struck me as crazy that everyone could be so jovial. Didn't they know what was going on? This was Stars Hollow for gods sake, news traveled faster then a Kenyan in a marathon. I hated the seeing the smiles on peoples faces as I thought of how completely broken Jess was feeling, and in turn how I was feeling.  
  
Why had he shied away when I touched him? Why couldn't I help him? What is going to happen next?  
  
Hundreds of answerless questions exploding like fireworks in my mind as I walked along the familiar path to the Inn; I had too see my mom. She was the only one who I could rant to and the only one I could ask for advice seeing as Lane was currently being cleansed and biblically purified at a Korean Bible Camp in Wichita.  
  
The instant I pushed the heavy door to the Independence open my eyes began roving over the faces of the people bustling about the crowded lobby. There were florists delivering bouquets of lilies for the dining room, upholsterers recovering all of the sofas in the Lobby, and at least four families checking in for the weekend, but no Lorelai. So after not locating her face I made my way through the crowds to the kitchen where I found her leaning against the counter debating the menu with Sookie. The kitchen was otherwise empty.  
  
"Jess' dad is here"  
  
The two of them went absolutely still before mom's face became confused and she looked at me. "What are you talking about??"  
  
At this I began my rant.  
  
"Jess' father is in town. He just walked into the diner this morning and declared that he wanted a second chance. Well maybe he didn't declare it, more whispered it . . . but mom you should have seen the look on Jess' face. He was completely hurting and resentful and terrified and then he tensed up when I tried to help him and now I don't know where he is. Jess is hurting and I don't know how to help him and damn it I need some kind of advice. "  
  
I drew a deep breathe and watched as my rambled processed and answers were formulated.  
  
"Wait back up, Jess dad is in town? As in here? Stars Hollow?"  
  
Well thank god my mother is so goddamn quick  
  
I sighed exasperatedly "Yes mom! God weren't you LISTENING?? He is here, and another thing, you have probably met him. He's staying in the Inn."  
  
"He's staying at the Inn?"  
  
OH MY GOD welcome to the world of Rory Gilmore and her mother, also known as her echo  
  
"Mom your really sucking at this whole 'help your daughter who is currently freaking out' thing" my patience was draining quickly, but I finally saw a look of comprehension flitter in my mom's face.  
  
"A suit came in here earlier; he was tallish, graying hair, almost forty?"  
  
"By George I think she's got it"  
  
"God that's Jess' father? Actually you know what? I kind of see the resemblance. He checked in this morning, He's staying for a week."  
  
"Yes I know, could we move on to the advice portion of this session?" I was being irritable and I knew it, but right now I needed guidance. I hated the feeling of being completely lost.  
  
"Alright Rory, this is all just a little odd. I mean you've told me all of the minimal facts Jess has provided about his dad, but it wasn't enough to make this guy seem real. Now that he's here its weird. Just back up and start from the beginning."  
  
I drew in a deep breath before speaking rapidly. "Well he showed up and asked for Jess and then Jess came out and didn't recognize him so he introduced himself and Jess kinda froze, his entire body went rigid and then he just ran upstairs. I followed him, finding him sitting in an angry, resentful, pained cloud on his bed and I tried to talk to him but everything I said just made it worse . . . " And I proceeded to tell her about our conversation, everything he had said, everything I had said, and the details of the second confrontation. When I finished she just looked at me for a while. She bit her upper lip before speaking slowly and calculatedly.  
  
"Rory I think this is something he needs to do by himself. This is his father, these are his demons. You can be there when he needs you, but Hun, I don't think there is much you can do here. He needs to do this and knowing Jess he probably understands that and he will do it. The important thing for you to do is be the one he can talk to, be there when he needs you, be there when its over, be there when the repercussions start, kind of like a safety net for him to fall on. " Her expression remained solid and knowing throughout her entire speech and the second she was done I felt a weight being taken from my shoulders. Thank god for mothers.  
  
I smiled a little bit as I nodded and turned to walk out through the swinging door. Breathing deeply I began to make my way for the diner, I needed coffee now, and maybe Jess was there, maybe he felt like talking.  
  
I was lost in thought as I battled the masses to get out of the Inn, and barely noticed as I bumped shoulders with another person. I paused and turned around just as the other person did. The second I saw his face I felt my stomach drop and fought the impulse to just spin on my heel and charge out of there. This guy didn't deserve conversation. But I stayed, for some reason my feet wouldn't move.  
  
"I uh, I'm sorry." I said as I found my feet again and began to turn away but was stopped by his voice.  
  
"Wait, please wait."  
  
I spun back around to look at him and it took my everything to not grab the poker out of the fire and smack him with it. I clenched my teeth and said nothing,  
  
"You're the girl. From the diner . . . you know Jess."  
  
"I do, I'm his girlfriend." For some reason I felt it was necessary the he knew this, don't ask why.  
  
I watched him shrewdly as his expression went limp. His shoulders dropped and he bit the inside of his lip nervously.  
  
"Could you, would you, I mean its just . . . I never wanted to leave." He said sadly and I almost felt a pang of sympathy but, upon remembering who I was speaking to, let my voice cool as I talked.  
  
"I'm really not the person you should be talking to." I said icily but he didn't relent.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Suddenly you care?" I spat. This wasn't me, I was attacking someone I didn't even know with express fury, but because I was with Jess and I saw how he was feeling I felt the need to hate this guy.  
  
"I know you probably have heard terrible and maybe-"  
  
"Deserved?"  
  
"I was going to say unflattering, but yea I guess that works. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to leave, but I had to. It was my only choice."  
  
I finally softened a little at the helplessness in his voice, and the sorrow painted on his expression. And, bringing myself back to his question, said, "He's not great. He is really upset, more so then I have ever seen him. And angry . . . can't forget that." He nodded shortly and, suddenly becoming embarrassed, thanked me for my time and offered a weak smile as he walked toward the elevator.  
  
I really wanted to hate him, I mean I tried with all of my might to not sympathize for him, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not after talking to him, not after hearing the lament in his voice and seeing lines of worry creasing his forehead, and especially not after once again seeing the exhausted look in his eyes. The look that suggested years of pain, of remorse, of wondering.  
  
I watched him get onto the elevator silently, and after he was gone stared at the spot where he had been. There was something about him, something cryptic and hidden, and something invisible to the naked eye.  
  
It took me a while to tear my eyes from the spot and turn to walk out of the Inn. I was going to find Jess, if I knew him at all I knew that now, after he had been given a chance to digest it and think about it, was the time that he needed to talk. 


	4. The Decision That Changed Everything

A/N OK PEOPLE!!! I'm HOME!!! And to everyone who expressed concern about my mental health I thank you, but alas I have returned completely and certifiably insane. I even have war wounds as proof of my downward spiral. There is a big bruise under my eye from where the spawn of Satan HIT ME WITH HIS SKIS when I wouldn't get out of his way!!!! Now I know what you're all thinking, 'She's making this up to make us laugh' BUT I KID YOU NOT!!!! It was the trip that can conceivably challenge and conquer any and all debates on the existence of hell. BUT my irreversible emotional and mental damage has resulted in good things for my readers!! Because while I was holed up in the closet chewing my hair and trying to find some peace I wrote lots of new chapters which will be up just as soon as I finish editing them, which should be some time in the next day or so!!! So check back!! ALSO I wanted to include a special thank you to my reviewers, especially 'starbelly' you guys make my day!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I own nothing, I'm serious, I don't even own the computer I'm using or the shoes on my feet . . . sue me if you want, you'll spend more money on legal fees then you get from me, seeing as all that is in my pocket is a handful of random stuff . . . a lipgloss, a quarter, lint, and one of those rubber balls that you could send to Mars if you bounce it hard enough  
  
Spoilers ~ Everything has happened up to episode 18 (where Jess' dad is rumored to make his appearance. . .I know this because I am a spoiler junkie)  
  
IMPORTANT NOTICE ~ OK people, I know we include all of the necessary stuff at the beginning like A/Ns and Disclaimers and Spoilers, but I have decided to institute a new notice to be read before you actually get to read the story, it is called the 'Shameless Plug' so here goes.  
  
Shameless Plug ~ cookie to anyone to who reads and reviews my other stories!!!  
  
And on with the show . . .  
  
Chapter 4: The Decision That Changed Everything  
  
True to it's reputation, Stars Hollow was in a buzz by the time I exited the Inn. It took me less then a seven seconds of noticing how everyone freeze-framed the second I came close to realize they had leeched onto the latest news and were sucking it dry, talking about it in every conversation or stray phone call.  
  
"Jess' father has come to Stars Hollow"  
  
"His father? I didn't even know he had a father!"  
  
"Well of course he does darling, and he's here. There was quite a confrontation this morning at the diner. Father and son reunited after all these years. Rory saw the whole thing, and Luke."  
  
"Really? Have you met him? What is he like? What did Rory do? What about Luke?"  
  
"No honey I haven't seen him, but its inevitable that I will at some point. We live in Stars Hollow you know, anyway, I just heard about it, apparently . . ."  
  
It would be all over the county in a matter of minutes. I sighed slightly as I stepped onto the sidewalk and began to slowly make my way to the diner, all the while noticing the eyes flickering to focus on me, hearing the ill concealed spring of whispers as I walked by. I was the girlfriend and I had been there; two facts that indefinitely bound me to this newest chain of ripe controversy.  
  
It was ironic really, just thirty minutes ago I was angry at the fact that nobody knew, that nobody cared. Now that they did I was praying for it to stop, for the boring eyes to find a new target, for the jaded minds to find something or someone else to think about.  
  
I was walking past the playground at the community center, still lost in thought and still fruitlessly attempting to evade all wandering glances, when I stopped and backtracked.  
  
Jess was standing there, leaning sullenly against the white fence, his hair blowing slightly in the wind and his intense eyes lost in a deep train of thought.  
  
I stood where I was for only a few seconds before walking unhurriedly over and leaning my body against the fence right next to his, resting my elbows between the posts and clasping my hands together in front of me to give me something to stare at when every other place my eyes could fall was unwelcoming. I focused on my hands for a while, waiting in silence for him to talk, hoping against hope he wouldn't shut me out again, that he wouldn't shy away.  
  
He didn't speak for a long time, and we stood there in an oddly comfortable silence. I glanced over at him every so often and noticed that he barely moved. The only thing about him that shifted was his shirt, which rose and fell with his breath. Other then that his position remained rigid and I noticed his eyes were fixed on something across the playground, and I followed his gaze to find that he was staring at Andrew, who was sitting near the swings, pushing his son back and forth and laughing with him.  
  
Jess finally glanced at me and noticed where my gaze fell, and finally decided to speak "I missed that." He said gently, referring to the interaction between father and son, and I noticed that the anger and resentment that had coursed through his words earlier were no longer present.  
  
I nodded slightly, as I said "I know you did, I did to," in a feeble attempt to be empathetic, I knew that my experience seemed so trivial compared to his, and I knew I could never even pretend to know everything he had gone through. At least I had grown up in a loving atmosphere with one good parent.  
  
He didn't react to this, just continued to stare, obviously formulating words, and his face remaining completely impassive.  
  
I looked at him closely now, trying to find something in his expression that I could identify, but as always he shielded his emotions well. It took him a while to speak and when he did it was simple. "Thank you" was all he said, and this time he looked at me.  
  
"What for?" I asked, not entirely sure of his thought process but he was quick to explain. "For what you said this morning. It helped"  
  
I smiled a little at this, I had helped him, it seemed I wasn't as ineffectual here as I felt.  
  
I had been toying with the idea of telling him about my encounter with his father for the entire time I had been standing there, not knowing how he would take his dad's actions. I wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it, but I now found myself speaking, "I saw him, talked to him actually . . ." I trailed off, waiting for him to say something so I could decide whether or not to continue.  
  
Jess had focused again on the family across the yard, but when I said this I saw a spark of pain in his eyes before it disappeared and he looked at me.  
  
In turning my eyes to his I no longer found a shield, but instead saw something I couldn't recognize. Maybe it was longing? Maybe Jess needed to hear about him, and in this thought I decided to go on.  
  
"He was at the inn. I bumped into him and he asked about you, asked how you were." At this Jess bit his lower lip and focused on the grass, lapsing again into deep thought as I finished my tale of the encounter. "I told him you seemed upset. I was actually kind of rude to him. But it has to be said that he seemed regretful, there is something strange about him Jess. I don't know if it's good or bad, there's just something about his eyes." Jess remained quiet again, and I followed suit as he mulled this over and I realized something.  
  
That look in Jimmy's eyes, the weathered and wounded look, I realized that I have seen it before. In his eyes and his attitude it was not quite as magnified as in Jimmy's, but Jess had that same quality about him. Like he was wise beyond his years, like he had matured much quicker then should have been required of him. He could usually mask it, and keep a young, sprightly, and contagiously sarcastic attitude despite it, but it was there.  
  
"Rory?" I was suddenly startled from my revelation by his voice. I looked at him, now exceedingly aware of his likeness to his father, and waited for him to continue.  
  
It took him a while to respond, and when he did his voice was soft and calculated, like he had been pouring over this decision for hours instead of only thirty minutes, trying to decide whether or not it was wise. "I think, I'm going to go see him Rory. I just, it just feels important that I go . . . I don't know, I've been trying to figure this out since the second I left Luke's, disturbingly enough I even came up with one of your pro con lists in my head." He paused for a second, not even looking to see if I had smiled at his last statement.  
  
I noticed his eyes flick back to Andrew and his son before he finished his statement. "For some unexplainable reason it feels like I owe it to him to go and talk. And maybe it will help me out, answer some of my questions, but I just wanted to let you know." With that he pushed himself backwards into a standing position and turned to walk away.  
  
I watched him begin to walk for maybe five seconds before I called out. "Jess!" he turned slowly around, hands pushed in his pockets, shoulders hunched sullenly.  
  
I drew a shallow breath before I continued "When you're finished with your dad, if you want to talk or something . . . you know where to find me." I said haltingly and I watched as he nodded shortly, he veiled it well but I thought I saw a look of relief flit across his face before he turned and walked away  
  
I watched him walk for a while, his back straightening with every step, like he was preparing himself for something. Composing his attitude and his face to be completely submissive, no matter what was said to him in the next few hours.  
  
He had long since disappeared before I detached my gaze from the spot where I had last seen him, before he made his way through the slew of construction workers who were erecting a stage behind the gazebo. The 'Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer' singers had apparently been such a success that Taylor had booked them to come back for this summer's festival. This time though, the festival was to be held in June, leaving poor Taylor to figure out what to do this year in order to fill September.  
  
I then smiled slightly as I saw Sookie and Jackson walking arm in arm down Peach toward Luke's, they were only days away from celebrating their one year anniversary.  
  
I was about to follow them into the diner when I paused for a second, Sookie and Jackson's one year anniversary wasn't the only anniversary that day. I remembered the wedding, it was the day that my life became a complete kaleidoscope, the day Jess and I had our first kiss. At the memory of this I expected to feel a smile tugging on the corners of my lips like it did every other time I thought of that kiss, but this time it didn't come.  
  
It would have except for the feeling in my stomach, I can't explain it really, I just knew that this day was going to be just like that one. It was going to completely change everything, for better or worse I didn't know, and that made me uneasy.  
  
I noticed then that I was standing with my hand on the doorknob to Luke's poised to open the door, and there were two of the five baby wielding J-Crew families waiting behind me to get in. So instead of keeping them waiting I pushed the door inward and stepped aside for them to enter, waiting until they had all gotten inside to close it behind them and turn toward home. I really needed some alone time to clear my head and stop thinking about all of this, and I wasn't going to find it in the very diner where just hours ago the whole fiasco had unfolded. 


	5. The Worst Of Our Yesterdays

A/N Hey everyone!! Sorry for the wait between chapters but heres a fresh one for ya! And be prepared, if I can put what I'm envisioning into words then the next few chapters will be tearjerkers!! But please please pretty please review!!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I still own nothing, surprise surprise  
  
Spoilers ~ everything has happened up to ep 18 of season 3, after that its AU all the way, its just my ending for the season!!  
  
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CHAPTER 5 : THE WORST OF OUR YESTERDAYS  
It had been five days. Five long, drawn out days. And in these days I have had minimal contact with anyone but mom and Luke. Everyone in the town has been avoiding me, probably because when they were around me they didn't feel like they could discuss and mull over the multiple reasons they had conjured in their minds for why Jimmy had decided to come to town. So instead, they treated me like I had leprosy or smallpox or the Ebola Virus or something equally contagious.  
  
I didn't really mind the fact that the town had decided to ignore me, I was actually enjoying not having to endlessly listen to the latest ideas for town celebrations, but there was one thing about the completeness of this silent treatment that wasn't so great. It had extended as far as Jess, who hadn't talked to me since the day on the playground.  
  
I knew that he had gone and talked to his father and returned late that night from what Luke had told me, but that was it. I knew nothing about anything that had been discussed and I didn't know how Jess was holding up and that frustrating feeling of absolute helplessness was making a second appearance, with cameos in the form of uselessness and futility.  
  
It also hurt a little that Jess had obviously been avoiding me and didn't feel like he confide in me anymore, and I was going over the hundreds of times I had caught a glimpse of him before he abruptly disappeared around a corner or into a crowd, when I noticed him come out of the storeroom, catch sight of me sitting at the counter, and promptly take a break.  
  
I shook my head slightly and added a muffled snort for dramatic effect. Right, ok this wasn't going to do. I dug into my pockets and dropped money on the counter for my coffee and walked out right behind him, determined to find him. Not seeing him anywhere I instinctively headed toward the only place that I thought he could be, the bridge.  
  
Our bridge.  
  
Sure enough as I rounded the corner and pushed flimsy tree branches out of my way I caught sight of him sitting with his legs dangling over the side. His hands were implanted on his knees and he was just staring over the water, yet I saw nothing of the usual assuredness or confidence about him. Instead his shoulders were rolled and his back hunched, his head dropped into his chest. I noticed the delicate swirl of cigarette smoke floating around him and instantly frowned. He had promised me he would quit that.  
  
I walked timidly toward the bridge, my feet steadily picking spots to tread upon next, the damp of the evening collecting on my sneakers with every fresh stride.  
  
In an ill attempt to seem calm and collected I tried to add a little meander to my steps, but to no avail. I was nervous and everything about me said it, my heart was pounding rapidly and my breath came short and shallow. There was something in the atmosphere of the situation that was daunting, and because of it I felt shivers form at the base of my back and spread through my body so that it trembled every so often.  
  
I noticed him stiffen a little when he heard the snapping of sticks under my feet as I slowly approached him. I sat down softly next to him, and just as he began to stand up, saying something about needing to get back to the diner, I placed my hand on his shoulder and lightly pushed him back down. "Jess, we need to talk."  
  
He sat back down heavily, avoiding my eyes at all costs, but not objecting and allowing my hand to guide him back to the bridge. "What has been going on lately?" I asked softly, fruitlessly searching for his gaze. He shrugged "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Jess, you've been acting so reclusive for the past few days, especially to me. I haven't talked to you since the day by the playground; I don't think I've really even seen you since then. What's been going on?"  
  
I finished my little speech in the usual record time I hold when talking, and waited for an answer. I watched him as he dropped his head down with his eyes, keeping his gaze completely to himself as he responded. "He left."  
  
I didn't have to ask to know who he was talking about. I nodded slightly,  
  
"When?"  
  
"Night before last."  
  
"I thought he was staying until Thursday."  
  
"Decided to leave early, tends to do that a lot."  
  
I was slightly surprised when he said that. Not because of what he said, but of how. I had expected a biting tone to go with that last little bit of information, but instead he deadpanned, like he didn't care, or maybe like he had something bigger to think about.  
  
It was then that I decided to test the waters, to see if he was ready to re-open his walled life to me so I could help him or talk to him or even touch him again. I extended my hand tentatively, and placed it over his.  
  
He flinched.  
  
For the second time in a week I drew my hand back sharply. Now I was involuntarily getting frustrated.  
  
He had completely shut me out.  
  
Just after everything had been perfect; he had stopped smoking, he had stopped lying, he had graduated, and we were communicating superbly, and now, because of his father, it was all gone.  
  
"Jess please don't do this." I said, hearing a pleading sound in my voice but not remembering having instructed it to be there. I tried to take his hand again but the response was the same, except this time he went as far as to pull it away before I even had the chance to touch him.  
  
"I have to." He said quietly. "I figured that if I could just cut myself off from everything, completely sever any ties, push everyone away . . . then it would make it easier. That's why I haven't been returning your calls, or coming to your house or even talking to you." It was faint, upon remembrance I think I may have imagined it, but I thought I heard a slight waver of hurt in his voice. Pained longing, like he was fighting very hard to remain impassive.  
  
"Jess, what are you talking about?" I questioned, now thoroughly confused.  
  
"Its just," he paused, his hand moving with his words, as if trying to make he understand with a twisted sign language. He finally gave up and turned to face me, positioning himself so that one leg was bent and the other hung over the bridge. I moved to do the same, crossing my legs and again attempting eye contact, but he kept dodging it. So I gave up and waited for him to speak.  
  
"I never told you what happened when I went to see him." He said slowly, glancing up and seeing my face remaining completely expressionless as I waited again for him to continue. Little did he know that I was praying inside of me that he was going to allow me back in. I guess this was one of the things that I learned from him, how to keep my face wiped of emotion, it's not a talent you boast about, but it is useful at times.  
  
He sighed as he flicked his cigarette into the lake. "I went there, right after I saw you, and I went up to his room and we talked. It was extremely awkward but it did help. Then at the end he told me something . . . He said that I would always have a bed at his house. I would always be welcome, and if I ever wanted to come and live with him it was my choice, but he would be happy to have me."  
  
He finally looked up at me, for the first time tonight unmasking his expression and letting my eyes probe his and I was shocked at the only thing that I found.  
  
Resolution.  
  
And it clicked.  
  
Jess was going to go live with his father.  
  
Jess was leaving me.  
  
Jess was going to live with his father and he was leaving me alone in Stars Hollow.  
  
I let a long, low breath escape my lips as I tore my gaze from his, letting everything process and feeling like someone had just dropped a large building on my chest, making me feel like if it hadn't been a necessity that I wouldn't have been able to keep breathing. I didn't speak for a while; I didn't want to, I couldn't find the right words, all that I was aware of was the throbbing sensation of cold fear enveloping me. After a long while a found the courage to speak again.  
  
"Where does he live?"  
  
"Venice Beach."  
  
"California?"  
  
With just a small nod of his head Jess triggered the greatest chain reaction of emotions inside of me that I have ever experienced. Shock and pain and hurt and confusion, sadness and a feeling of dejected abandonment to go with the icy hand constricting my heart were all terms that could have described what I was feeling. I felt my lungs deflate with the short, harsh breath escaped my lips as another bomb fell into my chest and sweat began to form on my palms.  
  
I now had to place my hands on the bridge to keep myself from falling backwards onto its wooden slats. I needed to scream, I wanted to yell and argue and give him hell for leaving me like this, but first I needed complete confirmation. Whatever the magnitude of the string of pain that came from another nod, I needed to know, I needed to hear it from his lips.  
  
"What did you say to him when he offered this Jess?" I asked quietly, pushing the words out calmly and composedly, despite the hammering of my heart inside my chest.  
  
"I told him I would think about it.  
  
"And you've thought about it?"  
  
He nodded in confirmation  
  
"What is your decision?" I nearly choked on the words as they came out, battling the deep swell of sadness that was threatening to make its presence known in the form of hot streaks from my eyes.  
  
He paused for a second, trying to gain control of himself. I could see the internal struggle of his mind and his heart, each searching for dominance. He breathed in deeply, "Three days from now there is a plane that is leaving from Newark Airport to Venice Beach. I got my ticket in the mail yesterday."  
  
That was when I felt it crack.  
  
For the first time in my life I felt the searing pain of true heartbreak shooting throughout my entire body, ripping through my chest and tumbling my barrier against emotion. I felt my eyes well up as all the emotion from before doubled back and blew apart my insides as a deep, resentful flush rose in my cheeks, "So you're just going to leave? You're packing up and taking off? You're walking away from everything?"  
  
I was staring into his eyes when I suddenly felt myself hating him for being so emotionless about this while everything inside of me was breaking apart. I couldn't understand how the white hot pain that was coursing through me at this news hadn't extended as far as to him and I wanted nothing more then to smack him for making this decision so easily. Then I noticed his shoulders hunch further and his head drop as he caught sight of the tears beginning to fall down my cheeks, and bit back further venomous comments until . . .  
  
"There isn't anything here for me Rory." He said quietly.  
  
I felt a stunned flare of anger inside of me; I couldn't believe that he had just said that, he couldn't have been thinking straight, "There's me! God Jess I can't understand how you could say that, I can't believe you would do this, just pick up and leave, were you even planning on telling me before you pulled a Houdini?" I gritted my teeth, feeling a fresh stab of hurt and fury beginning to boil inside of me.  
  
"Of course I was going to tell you . . . I just didn't know how, I mean . . ." he trailed off desperately, eyes again fixed on the bridge and he stared at it, like he was trying to memorize the patterns in the wood.  
  
"I can't believe you didn't tell me before now. I mean you obviously knew, being that you ordered the tickets and they arrived in the mail yesterday. And what hurts most is that you're telling me this now. Two days before you board a plane and pull yourself out of my life, before you take away what we had. Why would you do that? Why would you just ignore me when we should be spending every second together?"  
  
"It was too hard . . . "  
  
"And this is supposed to be easy for me? I don't have a choice here, you're the one who's leaving no matter what I do, tell me, what makes this so much harder for you then me?" I spat, I had heard the crack in his voice, but I was too emotional right then to worry about it.  
  
Before I knew it he was exploding, leaning forward and raising his voice so loud that the ducks on the pond took off and flew away.  
  
"Because I LOVE you!!! THAT'S why!"  
  
He then moved back and sat where he was, encased in a complete and stricken shock at what he had just said, so much for severing ties.  
  
I however, remained stoic, not wanting him to know how much it meant to me to hear that. I felt the ice that had built a wall around my heart in the last ten minutes melt away.  
  
Jess loved me.  
  
I became aware of a small elation in the pit of my stomach, but it was being smothered by anger and sorrow. Even though he had finally said that he loved me, he was still leaving, and that cut like a dagger, and I was still so livid at him for being so detached, I wanted him to feel the hurt that he was causing me.  
  
"Great timing Jess."  
  
My caustic and pointedly hurtful comment hung in the stunned air for a few moments before I decided it was time to take my leave, partly because I wanted to get away from this place and find somewhere unbiased and tranquil where I could think, and partly because I couldn't bring myself to look at the wounded expression on Jess' face. I shot him one final wrathful stare and with that I stood up and walked away, my feet becoming heavy as I forced them to move on. Leaving Jess sitting on the bridge in a dejected astonishment, stunned at what he said and crushed by how I reacted.  
  
I knew this wasn't me. I knew I loved him, but I hated the fact that it took him moving to California for him to realize he felt the same way. I wanted to go back to him and hug him and tell him how much I cared about him, but right now I couldn't do anything but run home and fall into my bed, finally allowing the full barricade to fall away, and letting the few and far between tears escalate to their full potential, and completely soak my pillow all through the night. 


	6. I Try To Accept Goodbye And I Choke

A/N short little chapter, not my best but here it goes! Also, next chp and the chp after that could very well required Kleenex reading, depending on how creative I'm feeling!! PS thanks so much for the reviews!! I love you guys!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ nope, still own nothing  
  
Spoilers ~ everything up to 3.18 has happened, this is just my ending for season 3  
  
Shameless Plug ~ hehe I forgot this one last chp!! Anyway read and review my other stories!! Pretty please?  
Chapter Six: I Try To Accept Goodbye And I Choke  
  
It was morning before I stopped crying. I swear to you I didn't sleep that night, nor would a sleep the night that would ensue, or the night after that.  
  
For the first few hours I just felt numb. Everything in time seemed to have stopped and now there was just me, sitting alone in my room. Nothing seemed real anymore, I would look at my pictures and mementos that adorned my walls and not even remember the stories behind them. I could gaze at books I had poured over dozens of times and not remember the tales between the covers. The only thought that was present in my mind was the one thought that completely consumed it, pushing out anything trivial or frivolous. The fear of goodbye overtook my whole being that night, and the trial of acceptance caused more aching, burning hurt then you could imagine.  
  
I had a really difficult time accepting it all. I guess it hadn't sunk in yet and I was still in denial. My mind still insisted that I would wake up soon and everything would be right in my world. The only thing that brought the sinking feeling of reality was the memory of the resolution in his eyes and the throbbing split in my heart.  
  
So with the certainties and the ideals heavy on my heart I spent the entire night curled up under my comforter, tears spilling unrestrained down my face, with my dear wallowing partners Ben and Jerry, just thinking about Jess and our time together. I watched as if from a third person perspective every moment I had shared with him flit across my mind on a giant internal movie screen.  
  
Thinking about the first time I saw him.  
  
About the first connection we made, finding we both harbored a common love for literature.  
  
Then about the Sleigh ride and another common love, this time for music.  
  
The picnic that had designated the bridge as 'our place' forever.  
  
When he came over to clean the rain gutters and I let it slip that I cared for him, and, being Jess, he caught on immediately.  
  
Then there was the time he brought me the care-package and we spent most of the night discussing The Beats and Jane Austen.  
  
After that was the night I spent trying to keep myself from flirting and focus on tutoring him, which oddly enough, was one of the better times I've had in my life, up until the crash of course.  
  
And then the day when I went to New York and found him, which prompted his decision to come back to me.  
  
I thought back on when I first realized how deeply I really cared for him, the day when I saw him kissing Shane.  
  
Then I remembered how hard I had tried to hate him. I yelled at him in Doose's and deviled egged his car, but no matter how hard I tried I realized the day Dwight's sprinklers had a nervous breakdown on me and we shared our first non-insulting/sarcastic conversation in months that I wouldn't be able to just turn off my feeling for him like I could water from a spigot.  
  
I looked back on the Dance Marathon, when the long barricaded door was finally opened.  
  
I watched as if from a distance our first kiss as a couple, the night after my interview with Yale.  
  
I remembered the winter carnival, which was the time he first showed me how different he was from Dean, how he trusted me and wouldn't explode at me for no real reason.  
  
I brought myself back to the night when he had first met my grandmother, and we had out first real fight, which I caused by being so distrustful, but he didn't help by being so stand offish.  
  
I remember making up and then another fight, which in the end was resolved by him finally committing to something and making definite plans to go see the Distillers, which was the most fun I've had in ages.  
  
Then my graduation, where he met the whole contingent of elder Gilmores and was a complete gentleman.  
  
I was thinking about our first kiss at Sookie's wedding when my mother walked into my room.  
  
She stood in the doorway for half a second before she was at my side. While I was being held in her arms it occurred to me.  
  
Tomorrow was the anniversary of our first kiss, and tomorrow he was leaving.  
  
This brought a fresh stream of tears. It was a cruel twist of irony that the day of our first kiss would, one year later, be the anniversary of our last. That is if he would even want to see me, and I couldn't blame him if he didn't want to ever speak to me again after how I had treated him last night.  
  
It took a while for me to compose myself enough for speech, but when I had mom switched immediately into maternal Lorelai and asked "Rory, what happened?"  
  
I pulled myself out of the tangle of her arms to look at her "Jess told me he loved me." And as soon as I said it the wounds that were still fresh began to sting again, and a new onslaught of tears came forth.  
  
Mom obviously assumed that I had gone through the worst deja vous and Jess had broken up with me after I hadn't returned the gesture. She began to go into a tirade against him, going on about how she had always known he was a jerk and she was going to rip his head off the minute she saw him. She was in the middle of describing his slow and painful death when I stopped her.  
  
"He's leaving."  
  
Mom paused and looked at me questioningly "What are you talking about?"  
  
I choked back a sob as I said "His dad offered him a home in California. Jess is going to live with him."  
  
My mother just looked at me, confused as how something like that could lead to an 'I love you,' so I started to explain.  
  
Mom sat there in shocked silence for a while. I had just relayed to her the complete story of Jess and I's fight from the hello down to my last venomous comment. I looked down at my sheets and noticed how crumpled and warped they were, I had taken to twisting and knotting them while I was telling the story, using any distraction fathomable to keep myself from crying again.  
  
When she found her voice again and had come to terms with the fact that her normally wholly placid daughter was capable of being vicious, she said "Rory you need to go find him."  
  
My mother, the one person who loved to hate Jess most, looked at me square in eye and continued,  
  
"You have to. You need to find him and apologize. You need to tell him how you feel. If you don't then I promise you that you will spend the rest of your life beating yourself up because you didn't"  
  
"Mom I don't even know if he will want to listen to me-"  
  
"Rory then make him. Call him at the diner and tell him to come over tonight. I'll clear out and go to Sookie's or something, just make this right because I don't want you to regret anything about this, and if you don't make up with him you most definitely will."  
  
I managed a feeble nod at this, and then mom caught sight of the empty two gallon tub of 'Chunky Monkey' and forced me out of bed and into the shower, saying that it would make me feel better.  
  
Like anything could change what I was feeling now.  
  
In the end the shower wasn't a bad idea. The water coursing over my body washed away the realities again and for twenty blissful minutes I hadn't a care in the world. But then I stepped out and the shock of the cold air on my body brought it all back and I didn't feel better about anything. The only lasting help the shower provided me with was the fact that the hot water had allowed for the swelling on my eyelids to subside a little.  
  
When I came out of the bathroom I immediately changed right back into my pajamas and didn't even bother to dry my hair, which I pulled back into a dripping bun. While I was doing this I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and turned to face my reflection.  
  
My eyes swept over the person I saw staring back, and just the sight of myself brought brand new flow of tears, because I knew that that person would have to let go of a love so deep in less then a day. I then remembered how I had acted after Dean had broken up with me the first time, and how naïve I had been then.  
  
I had been determined not to allow the fact that I was without a boyfriend get to me. I was NOT going to be one of those girls that just break down when they are left behind. I now realized that the breakdown is necessary, because you don't ever just sever a love without pain, and it is foolish to try and conceal your emotions and bottle everything inside of you, because it will only lead to further heartbreak in the end. Then I realized that it was inevitable that I was going to be spending more time wallowing over this love, because it was my first love, the first real one anyway. 


	7. The Hardest Phone Call Of My Life

A/N thanks so much for the reviews everyone!!! You guys make my day as always!! Sorry for the short-ness of the recent chapters but the next one should be longer!!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I think its been established that I am dirt poor and own nothing  
  
Spoilers ~ everything up to 3.18 has happened, this is just me end for season 3  
  
Shameless Plug ~ Reviews make the world go round, they also put me in a very good mood which allows me to write better..R/R my other stories!!  
Chapter Seven: The Hardest Phone Call Of My Life  
  
The second my hand touched the phone I pulled it back again, like it was made of burning metal. I had been sitting on the couch just staring at it for at least twenty minutes and as of yet hadn't even come close to picking it up.  
  
I was being a coward and I knew it, but I had this picture shining in my head of me picking up the phone and calling him, and then having him tell me that he never wanted to see my face ever again.  
  
I sighed as I dug the remote out from between the couch cushions and switched on the T.V. Nothing of interest was on, I flipped through the channels only to find a dozen soap operas, a sappy lifetime movie, and a cartoon about a deranged sponge with a voice who lived in a pineapple. And they wonder why the youth of America is so brainwashed by television.  
  
I gave up and hit play on the VCR, watching sullenly as on of the episodes of 'Politically Incorrect' that mom had taped before it was cancelled flashed across the screen.  
  
The crazy antics of the show had always used to make me smile, but right now there were too many knots writhing around in my stomach for me to even come close to enjoying the myriad of rapid fire government-bashing comments emanating from the screen.  
  
My eyes wandered back to the phone, and after another hesitant pause an unexpected flash of bravery seemed to explode inside of me, so I picked it up and hit speed dial 2, Luke's Diner.  
  
I swear to God that phone rang at least thirty times before he picked up, and that entire period of ringing was spent by me second guessing myself, and my bravado seemed to deteriorate with every ring, instead a cold twist of nerves was icing over my body causing tingling in my fingers and the pit of my stomach, and it escalated to the point that when Jess picked up I couldn't bring myself to speak  
  
"Hello?"  
  
He sounded so bitter and deflated, like someone had taken a sledgehammer to him stomach some time in the recent past, and I sensed a sick, creeping feeling of guilt beginning to come forth and choke my words.  
  
I had caused that.  
  
It was my fault.  
  
God I hated those thoughts. I had known he must have been crestfallen, but I hadn't expected this. He had never once showed more emotion in just one word. He was usually always able to hold back any flickers of pain from his voice, but now he was just Jess. Someone who was either too exhausted or to depressed to enforce his usual walls; and it was all because of me.  
  
I sat there like a deer in the headlights for a minute before his sorrowful voice began to grow impatient and he asked again.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Quickly I slammed the receiver down onto the base of the phone. I could barely bring myself to breathe let alone talk to him, but again a wanton brave flash took over and I breathed out calmly as I gathered myself and picked up the phone again.  
  
The phone began to ring again.  
  
Three . . .  
  
Four . . .  
  
Five . . .  
  
I began to breathe choppily for a second time, the condescending voice in my head second guessing me the entire time.  
  
Six . . .  
  
Seven . . .  
  
"Hello."  
  
His deep voice resonated through the earpiece again, and this time I managed a small response, voice full of the plea that he not hang up on me the second he heard me speak.  
  
"Hi Jess."  
  
There was a long pause at the other end and I sat there completely still as the knots in my stomach tightened and doubled over to create bigger ones.  
  
"Is there something that I can help you with?"  
  
I flinched at the coldness of his voice. The icy shards of his comments shot through me like knives as a fresh wave of acid guilt slammed into me. I could hear, even through the façade of ice, the throbbing hurt in his response and I faltered as I began to do what I always do in nerve wracking situations . . . ramble.  
  
"Listen, I know, Jess you have every right to hate me right now. What I said to you was completely horrible and mean and awful and I feel so terrible. I am a terrible person, I know, but I am so so sorry. I know that I don't deserve another chance, and I know that you probably don't want to give me one but please, don't completely shut me out just yet. My mom isn't going to be here tonight, she's going to Sookie's, and I really want to talk to you. I need you to hear what I have to say . . . I , I just don't want to . . . to lose you, not just yet. I mean I know I'm losing you tomorrow, but give my just one more night. Please."  
  
I took a deep breath and waited anxiously for his response as I tried to regain control of myself. That last thing I said really undid me. I had finally totally admitted that he was going to leave and it hit home. As soon as I had let those words escape my lips I felt a searing pain in my stomach as the knots once again constricted my breath, letting small tears form in my eyes.  
  
The only thing that gave me a minute light of hope was the fact that I could still hear his long, steadying breaths at the other end, meaning that he hadn't yet hung up on me, and jus then I felt my heart flip flop as he began to speak.  
  
"Alright."  
  
Oh there is a God . . .  
  
"What time?"  
  
"Mom said she would leave at about six."  
  
"Alright, I'll see you at six then."  
  
I sat there listening for the dial tone for a few minutes, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to handle this. Truth be told the thing that was gnawing at me the most was that I had no idea how I was going to handle the end of the night when he left, though I probably knew crying would ensue . . . but for now I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on more pressing things, like how on earth I was going to break through the ice he had plastered all around him. I glanced at the clock, 5:07, plenty of time.  
  
I finally settled on the most obvious answer.  
  
I would start of with the truth, with what I should have said yesterday. 


	8. The First Of The Final Goodbyes

A/N ~ Hey everyone! I'm so so sorry for the long time between updates!! Please put the tomatoes down!! I plead writers block in a serious way. But here it is, chapter eight!! Please tell me what you think!! Without reviews you get no chapter nine!!! Ha ha ha ha ha anyway, please review, and thank you to everyone who already has!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but the plotline  
  
Spoilers ~ everything has happened up to ep. 18 when Jimmy is rumored to make his appearance, other then that it's all made up, just my way of ending season three  
  
Shameless Plug ~ Cookie to anyone who reads my other stories!!  
  
Chapter Eight : The First Of The Final Goodbyes  
  
It was five after six and thirty nine seconds.  
  
Forty seconds  
  
Forty one . . .  
  
I tore my eyes from my watch and glanced out the window again. When I found the front porch vacant I sighed and stood up.  
  
I had been doing this for nearly fifteen minutes. There wasn't a second that went by that I didn't have my eyes glued to the watch, or the clock by my bed, or the front porch and the driveway. And when I wasn't doing this I was pacing my room and wringing my hands.  
  
Seven after six . . .  
  
I pushed aside the curtains again and then went back into my state of pacing around my room. Still no Jess.  
  
This was quite possibly the most nervous I had ever been. There was an entire colony of butterflies swarming in my stomach and my breath came short and shaky. I had to do something; anything to calm myself and take my mind off what was impending.  
  
My eyes flitted around the room and found some clean clothes lying by my closet . . . good, a distraction.  
  
I made my way over and bent down to pick them up. Once I had gathered the pile in my arms I threw it down on my bed and picked up my mom's green B- 52s shirt which I had stolen nearly a week ago. I began to try to fold it but stopped when I caught sight of my hands.  
  
They were trembling.  
  
I was visibly shaking with nerves and I became aware of my teeth chattering in time with the shivers that were erupting sporadically throughout my entire body.  
  
I threw the shirt down in frustration and wrapped my arms around myself in a protective hug. Yet no matter how tight I held myself I couldn't seem to gain control over my body.  
  
There was just this daunting question hanging over my head that wouldn't be ignored . . . "What if?" . . . and tacked on to that question were hundreds of negative possibilities that I had formulated in my mind.  
  
"What if he won't listen?"  
  
"What if he still hates me?"  
  
"What if he doesn't react to what I'm going to say?"  
  
"What if he doesn't care anymore?"  
  
I dropped my frustrated head into my hands and sighed. I can't take being nervous, not like this. I had, of course, been nervous before, but this was different. This wasn't 'How did I do on the Economics test' tension this was 'My entire life is spiraling into a kaleidoscope of unpredictability' tension.  
  
I clasped my hands together determinedly and closed my eyes, drawing a deep steadying breath and trying to instill a feeling of tranquility, and I almost succeeded, except the second my eyes opened I noticed something moving in the driveway.  
  
I practically lunged over my bed to the window, taking all of the clothes and Colonel Clucker with me, and peeked through a gap in my curtains.  
  
It was him.  
  
I felt my stomach begin to churn faster then ever as he walked up to the door. I noticed his shoulders were hunched again, and his eyes were focusing on the ground as he walked.  
  
He reached the door and paused. I watched as he pushed a nervous hand through his hair and then proceeded to do exactly what I had seen him do as he walked to the inn to talk with his father.  
  
He drew his shoulders back and took a deep breath. His eyes focused forward and a steel barrier masked his emotions to complete his defensive façade of indifference. He then reached out and pressed his hand to the doorbell and I was jolted by the loud, resonating sound it made as it rang through the house.  
  
I stumbled as I rose and made my was to the door. My hands still trembling, but now they were flexing and un-flexing, my fingers twining themselves together and then unlacing as I tried in absolute vain to make my breathing return to normal. I paused as I faced the front door, I could see his blurred outline through the glass and I bit my lip. I was contemplating running back into my room and hiding under the comforter like a two year old, but I knew he could see me through the glass, so after another breath, I pulled open the door.  
  
Our eyes locked for a millisecond before we both instructed our gaze elsewhere. There was a silence for nearly a minute which I spent shifting from foot to foot. It was his expectant gaze that pulled me out of the silence and back to my senses.  
  
"Um . . . uh do you, do you want to . . ." I trailed off as I motioned toward the interior of my house and he nodded silently, pushing past me to stand in the hall.  
  
I closed the door slowly and turned to face him, finding him staring at some family pictures on the table. He looked up at me and breathed in deeply. I again started my shifting, the awkwardness encasing the room was palpable and thick.  
  
My nerves taking hold of me I tried to avoid the approaching conversation by finding another topic to carry me off onto a tangent.  
  
"Do you want a soda?"  
  
He shook his head, so I tried again.  
  
"How about some uh . . . Chinese left over or we have this really nasty toaster pizza that-"  
  
But he cut me off with a short and curt interjection.  
  
"Listen Rory, you asked me to come here so we could talk. Lets just do that."  
  
I nodded as I bit my lip, I hated the bitter sound that he had laced purposefully into his tone, but instead of showing how much his apathy hurt me, I just motioned to the living room.  
  
He followed me and I sat on the couch and waited for him to follow suit, which he did after a slight hesitation.  
  
More silence ensued.  
  
"Well, this is awkward now isn't it?" I asked, trying to get some type of response out of him.  
  
"Well what did you expect Rory?" He shot caustically and I flinched. I knew there was no icebreaking to be done here, so instead I decided to just say what I had to say and pray for the best.  
  
"Listen Jess, I asked you over here for a reason. I have something I want to say to you, and please wait until I'm finished before you complete your decision to hate me."  
  
He remained silent, but turned his gaze away from the coffee table and onto mine.  
  
I smiled uneasily as I reached into my pocket, "I uh, I didn't trust myself to say the right thing when I was faced with the moment, so I um, wrote it down."  
I paused for a second and looked into his eyes, and from somewhere inside of me I felt a small courage blossom and I unfolded the stationary and looked down at it, taking a deep breath before I started.  
  
"Jess" I began and glanced at him every so often as I continued.  
  
"First and foremost I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I want you to know how completely terrible I feel for hurting you the way I did and I know that there is a possibility that no matter what I say you will still choose to hate me, and you have every right to do so, but I am at least going to try to find words to stop you from doing so and I am just praying that you will give me another chance and hear me out."  
  
I paused and glanced at his face only to find it as hard and emotionless as before, but somewhere I found the strength to not let his indifference effect me as I continued.  
  
"We have been together for nearly nine months, and in those nine months we have shared many meaningful and special moments together. There is one however, that sticks out in my mind and will always have its own place in my heart." I felt my voice crack as I said this and my eyes were unwillingly beginning to cloud, blurring my vision and causing my resolution to crack. But I drew a deep breath. I was not going to cry, not now, I needed to say this. So I shifted a little and went on.  
  
"Do you remember the night of my graduation? That is the night that will be with me always. We stayed up until two just walking around town, talking about our future and past and in between discussing the virtues of Tolstoy and Vonnegut or just walking in a comfortable silence. And then when we reached the bridge you surprised me with those beautiful roses and 'Metamorphoses.' And we sat in the moonlight still just talking and laughing for nearly an hour. I want you to know that it was that night that I realized that I am in love with you," I again felt my voice tremble as a I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes and swallowed to hold them back, now focusing all I had on the paper and my writing, I didn't look at him, I couldn't, not yet.  
  
"And ever since then I have harbored that feeling inside of me and refrained from telling you because I didn't want to scare you. Then yesterday on the bridge, when you finally told me how you felt . . . I just, I want you to know that there was and elation inside of me, but I couldn't bring myself to respond how I wanted to because at that moment I was being completely crushed by the realization that I was going to . . . to lose you. I was furious and hurt and scared and since you were the only person there I wrongfully took it out on you. I knew the second that I stood up that I had been so awful to you and you didn't deserve that. And now, after having the time to think about this I understand why you are doing this and I understand how hard this must be for you."  
  
I had to pause again here, because I knew what was coming next, I had read and revised it what felt like thousands of times before he arrived, and in this next paragraph I knew I was going to pour my heart out to him, and there was a possibility that he would still choose to hate me. I also knew it was going to hurt for me to have to say it knowing that it may be one of the last things I ever say to him. I felt the tears begin to slide slowly down my face as I drew another breath and continued with a wobbling voice,  
  
"But before you go I want you to know how important you are to me. At the risk of sounding completely cheesy and cliché I want you to know that for the time we have been together you have been my strength when there was nowhere to lean, my inspiration when I was faced with the impossible, and the laughter . . . and the love that has kept me going when times got rough. What I am trying to say is Jess you have stepped out of the abyss of a world unknown to me, and completely wrecked my own. You have turned it upside-down, leaving no corner untouched and no crevice unsearched, completely rummaging through my life and drawing out things that I don't think my mother even knows about. You have thrown things about to the point where I think you may know more about me then I know about myself. And when I turned around today, and looked at the mess that you have created I have realized how perfect my world looks that way. All I see among the chaos is a scene that has been taken from my dreams and woven into the pages of my life. Jess, there is and will always be a place in my heart reserved only for you, and it is because of this that I will not stand in your way, I will not question your reasons for leaving, and I will not try to convince you to stay. So having said this I want to tell you again that I am so sorry, and that I love you, and when you leave the final goodbye will be the hardest thing I will ever have to say."  
  
I kept my eyes focused on the paper for at least minute after I finished reading, my breaths coming slower and steadier as I calmed myself and surreptitiously tried to wipe tear streaks off of my face and ignore the burning feeling of loss inside of me.  
  
Once I had composed myself I took a deep breath and lowered the paper, finally allowing myself to look at Jess. His back was hunched and his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, completely silent. I saw him bite his lip and exhale sharply as he looked up and around the room. I didn't move, waiting apprehensively for him to say something.  
  
When he finally spoke his voice was low and horse, and I scarcely moved during the short time in which he spoke.  
  
"I don't hate you Rory."  
  
He paused to inhale deeply and clench his eyes closed in what seemed like a saddened frustration.  
  
"I tried to hate you. I really truly did, after last night . . . I have spent the hours between then and now trying to convince myself that I don't need you, and that I don't care about you . . . that I don't love you. But I can't, and after hearing you say that it makes it so much harder to walk away from you."  
  
I watched as he gulped and turned to face me, my heart beginning to return to normal rate now I moved to do the same but I did not speak, I could tell there was more, he wasn't finished yet.  
  
"But Rory this is who I am. Here before me lies the answer to questions I've had since I was old enough to notice that I seemed to be the only kid who brought his excuse for a mother in to school for father's day. Its just . . . I want, I need to know what he is about. I need to find out for myself . . . I don't know, if he's worth it, if he's worth anything for that matter. Its too hard to explain, but I want you to know I'm so sorry for not talking to you, you were right, you deserved more and after all of this time that we have been together I should have given it to you."  
  
He finally looked at me, and I saw pain ripping through his expression. This was as hard for him as it was for me. I knew all too well that he was facing the fork in the road dividing happiness and sanctuary from complete uncertainty. So I just nodded, silently reassuring him that I understood, and leaned in to hug him.  
  
The second we touched I felt the all too familiar sparks begin to fly, an electricity that always had existed between us and probably always would, but these sparks were duller. Not faded, if anything they were magnified, but the sting of finality put a damper on them. Yet besides this feeling of inevitability I can't explain to you the soothing calm that came from being in his arms. I felt myself go limp as I buried my head in his shoulders and allowed tears to come without restraint. I never wanted that moment to end, if in that instant time could have frozen and never moved again, I would have been happy for the rest of my life just to sit there with him and feel his heart beat through his shirt and his breathing chest rise and fall to the rhythm of my own. I could feel myself gripping tighter as I created a memory of his embrace that would live on inside of me forever, the way my head fit perfectly into his shoulder, the way he stroked my hair, the peaceful feeling of protection while being enclosed in his arms . . . all things I would never forget.  
  
And though I wished for that moment to be everlasting, we did eventually pull apart, and I reached my hand up to wipe away tear streaks from my cheeks and pull my hair out of my face. This was it . . . I somehow understood from the new silence and tension between us that it was now or never, so I swallowed and voiced the question that neither wanted to hear.  
  
"So what do we do? Is this just the end?"  
  
I watched nervously as he shifted and sighed. He paused for a second and reached over to pull my small hands into his own sturdy ones. When he finally brought his eyes again to mine I didn't even have to hear the answer, I knew what was coming.  
  
"I don't want to hold you back Rory."  
  
I opened my mouth to object but he cut me off.  
  
"Just let me finish. Long distance relationships are really difficult. And Rory you are going to college in the fall, your starting a whole new phase in your life where you are going to meet all kinds of new people and experience new things. I just don't want to hold you back."  
  
I looked into his eyes for a split second before I stared down at my hands, I knew it was pointless to argue, but I was going to try.  
  
"What if I want to be held back . . . what if I can't let go Jess?" I asked quietly, feeling new tears stinging the backs of my eyes but I knew that I had to stay composed here. If I didn't want to lose him completely I had to keep my wits about me for just a few more minutes.  
  
He shook his head and exhaled shortly "I don't know Rory. I really don't. I do not want this to end, being with you has completely turned my world around and I probably have you to thank for the fact that I'm not in some juvenile detention center or Alcatraz ++(for everyone who doesn't know, Alcatraz is a maximum security penitentiary on an island off the coast of California)++ or something. But I couldn't take making this long distance and then having you regret that decision every time some, some guy asks you out. I don't want this to end and it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I don't see another option . . ."He trailed off defeated and sad.  
  
I took a shallow breath before I forced myself to say it when I still had the nerve, "Will I ever see you again?"  
  
He looked up at me surprised, "Of course you will. I'm not dying Rory, Luke still lives here and you still live here and where there is love there are unbreakable ties. And you never know, there is a possibility that I could come back, he could turn out to be as big of a disappointment now as he was eighteen years ago."  
  
I smiled serenely at that comment; at least I wasn't losing him forever.  
  
"Hey Jess?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I know. I love you to."  
  
With that I leaned in and kissed him, feeling the ever-present fireworks, but now they were accompanied by something mellow and sweet, like a surreal harmony. This was our first kiss after this sort of open confession. My mind again began to memorize the feelings that spread through me the second our lips met. I committed to memory the feeling of his hands on my face and my back, and the rough but gentle feeing of his lips, and the dreamlike sensation that overtook my world whenever he was in it. We parted and pressed our heads together for a second before he kissed my cheek and pulled away, instead sliding his hand back into mine.  
  
I breathed out a little and allowed myself to be lulled into a happy calm by the comfortable silence for a few moments before the nauseating wrench of reality set back in and I refocused. "What time are you leaving?" I asked quietly.  
  
"Six thirty."  
  
"Wow, early."  
  
"Yea I know."  
  
"I'll be there."  
  
Jess shook his head a little and looked away, saying words that contradicted what I could see he wanted, "You don't have to."  
  
I just looked at him for a second, gathering my thoughts so I could string a comprehensive sentence together instead of the nervous garble that was threatening to erupt any second now, "But I want to, if not for you, or for us, then for me. I want to be there. I want to be the last thing you see in Stars Hollow, your last memory of the quirky town that you terrorized for two years. I know its stupid and crazy but its important to me . . ." I trailed off sullenly before watching him nod his head a little and smile before saying "Its not stupid." And with that we slipped once again into the cloud of happiness that hung around every kiss we shared.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
About an hour of talking, a few moments of laughter, and a few of my tears later I walked him to the door. We stood outside for nearly ten minutes, just becoming lost in a tight embrace. I felt the comfortable security of love sweep over me in those minutes, seemingly washing away all of my worries for that short time. But with parting the certainty of the situation set back in, and as I kissed him goodnight and waved as he walked away I felt the cold spread through me again. I turned around and walked inside, closing the door slowly and then not even bothering to wait until I reached the haven of my room to slide down the wall and crumple into a ball by the door. I waited for a while with my head in my hands for more tears, but it seemed that over the past forty eight hours I had used all of mine, for none came. So instead I sat in numb silence, trying to accept the fact that tomorrow would bring the happiness of my life for the past nine months to a shattering halt, but knowing that the full gravity of the situation hadn't even begun to set in yet. There had been the initial shock and tears, and now and for the next weeks I would struggle through the stage of acceptance. 


	9. Could It Be Any Harder?

A/N ~ Alright everyone, final chapter!! Its been great and I promise to start a new story ASAP, if you have any ideas for a new storyline but don't feel like writing it yourself email me!! Ok, this chapter is sad so break out those Kleenex!! But hang around, because there is a possibility for an epilogue, but I need to know what you think!! Should I do one or should I leave it as it is?? Help me out!! Ok, that being said I want to thank all of my reviewers, you guys are amazing! And I want to thank Stew Pid for inspiring me to write this and beta reading for me!!  
  
Disclaimer ~ Ok, this is a songfic chapter, the song is called 'Could It Be Any Harder' (hence the title of my story and this chapter) by the Calling and its an awesome song, I highly recommend it, BUT I changed around the lyrics a bit so they would fit the story, so the song doesn't go exactly like this. Also I own nothing at all to do with Gilmore Girls, and, in the words of "Holly Gilmore" if I were at all powerful Jess would be staying put!!  
  
Spoilers ~ everything has happened so far, this is just my end for season three concerning the whole 'Jess leaving' situation.  
  
Shameless Plug ~ cookie to those who R/R my other stories!!  
  
IMPORTANT!!! THE WORDS IN ITALICS ARE THE SONG LYRICS!!  
  
Chapter Nine: Could It Be Any Harder?  
  
*  
  
_Could it be any harder_

_to__ say goodbye, _

_To be without you,_

_Could it be any harder, _

_To watch you go, _

_To face what's true,_

_If I only had one more day  
_  
*  
The town was different that morning, somehow quieter in a tired sort of way. The branches on the trees drooped sullenly with the weight of the evening shower still moist on their leaves, the usually beautiful sky was a stark gray in the early morning, showing signs of neither happy nor sad, just there, a cloudless dreary painting hanging over Stars Hollow, and the grass under my feet gathered on my shoes and soaked them through with the morning damp. It seemed like the entire town was a reflection on my mood that morning. I felt as if I had nothing left, I was utterly exhausted and emotionally drained from the events of the previous night and the events looming broodingly ahead.  
As I walked through the weary streets I couldn't help but reminisce. It was weird because all of these memories that had been the ones I poured over in my room not two nights ago, but being outside, in the places where I had spent some of the best times of my life with him, it was all so much more vivid.  
  
I then found myself smiling a little as I rifled through our memories, something I had though I would have never been doing at this moment, but as I looked around me I realized something. I finally understood that there is truly only one thing that lasts in life, memories; pictures of the mind that capture moments and allow for them to be forever frozen in time, pure and perfect. It was finally comprehendible to me that these memories in my head would last forever, and that I would never truly lose him while I was alive. And though he was not going to be here with me physically, I could still visit the remembrance of our yesterdays in my head, and in this I found a peaceful comfort.  
  
In hindsight I realized that it was that comfort that kept me standing through the next thirty minutes of my life.  
  
The small smile grew with every passing step, and I found myself watching my past replay itself again, yet this time I was standing at each setting when the pictures flashed through my mind, making me feel everything that I saw as if it was happening all over again.  
*  
_I lie down and blind myself with laughter,_

_A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing_

_  
_* ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Dwight's house . . .  
  
"You made it look so easy. . . "  
  
"Yeah, it was loose. You just had to press down and give it a good twist, that's all."  
  
"Well, thank you"  
  
"You're welcome. So things are good?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, really good."  
  
"School?"  
  
"Good."  
  
"Still gonna do the Harvard thing?"  
  
"Yeah.  
  
"Good."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The inn . . .  
  
"You look nice."  
  
"Thank you . . . What are you doing here?"  
  
"I moved back"  
  
"But what, why?"  
  
"Just, wanted to . . ."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Our Bridge . . .  
  
"Okay, tomorrow I will try again, and you will. . . "  
  
"Give the painful Ernest Hemingway another chance. Yes, I promise."  
  
"You know, Ernest only has lovely things to say about you."  
  
"Why are you only nice to me?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"An hour ago you were totally screwing with Dean and now you're totally nice to me."  
  
"You see, it's the screwing with Dean that's an important step to getting here so that I can be nice to you."  
  
"So it was a plan. "  
  
"What?"  
  
"The whole bidding on my basket, it was a plan."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"He was right . . . about all of it."  
  
"So, what now?"  
  
"You're definitely broken up with Dean?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean."  
  
"Okay. I have to go take care of something now."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The gazebo . . .  
  
"I can't catch my breath . . ."  
  
"You're not supposed to."  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Town Square . . .  
  
"Does she know what I look like?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss him goodnight."  
  
"That's not going to work."  
  
"Andy Warhol did it all the time . . .( I handed him the book) . . . We're just five bucks away from a deal."  
  
(Kiss)  
  
"That's worth five at least."  
  
"You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves. . . Okay."  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you."  
  
"Manipulator."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Gypsy's . . .  
  
"So are you gonna smoke that or mind meld with it?"  
  
"Depends."  
  
"So where's the part for your car?"  
  
"Huh, Gypsy said she'd leave it for me somewhere, guess she forgot."  
  
"She's bad that way."  
  
"I'm just gonna have to take my business elsewhere."  
  
"It looks that way."  
  
"So."  
  
"So."  
  
"Here we are."  
  
"Yea, here we are . . . So, tell me, what's your decision about smoking that depending on?"  
  
"On what's gonna happen."  
  
"When?"  
  
"Now."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
It was then that I found myself standing across the street from Luke's, a light morning breeze catching my hair and tossing it about my face as I stood watching.  
  
He hadn't noticed me yet; he was just focusing on packing his belongings into the back of Luke's truck. I stood there for a moment, taking in the majestic scene of our final morning. The sun had just begun to peek over the top of the diner, casting a few glimmering rays across the road, still wet with rain, and glinting off of the puddles that had formed in the grass and rain gutters, causing everything to glisten and creating a sort of surreal heavenly effect on the landscape.  
  
The last thing that I noticed was Luke, who was sitting in the driver's seat of the truck, just staring straight ahead. He wouldn't have admitted it right then, but he was going to miss Jess also, almost as much as I was.  
  
Jess finally looked up at me, and through the sunshine glaring behind him I only saw his outline, but I noticed his shoulders raise and fall in a short sigh as I made my way over to him, his features becoming more and more apparent as I walked. When I was finally standing in front of him completely we both stood in silence for a while, just looking at each other. My eyes swept over his face and what caught my attention were his eyes, they looked just as tired as the town, and there was the flicker of sorrow that I had grown accustomed to over the past few days. I finally broke the silence in the most obvious way with a small "Hey"  
  
The corners of his lips perked upward the slightest bit as he responded, "Hey."  
  
Before he even got the chance to continue speaking I laced my hands around him and pulled him into a tight hug. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, allowing myself to become lost in his embrace, my arms holding him tightly and my head buried in his shoulder, just relishing the warmth that spread through me at his touch. I felt him do the same, his arms wrapping around my body and holding me close. We stood there for a second and I felt his hands find my back pockets as we parted the tiniest bit, arms still around each other, but far enough away that we could talk. I thought he was going to say something, but he instead pressed his forehead to mine and more silence ensued. In that time of quiet I found my hands wandering down to his waist, and my fingers brushed against the ever present book that was sticking out of his back pocket, but something was different. I then realized what I was feeling, post it's. There were a myriad of post it's sticking out of the book, my post its. It was "A Farewell To Arms," the very same book that we had been arguing over the day that had changed everything.  
*  
  
_And now I wish that I could turn back the hours,_

_But I know I just don't have the power_  
  
*  
I felt myself smile a little as we pulled away and I looked at him, feeling the comfort in the back of my mind, but the presence of sadness and loss was beginning to creep through me, starting its process of ebbing away at my resolution not to break down again, not to cry. I sighed also and suddenly found myself speaking through the lump forming in my throat, "You know, it didn't seem completely real until I was standing here with you." I said quietly.  
  
He nodded a little, his eyes staying downcast as he spoke, "I know what you mean, I woke up this morning and looked at my bare room and for a second I couldn't remember why all of my stuff was packed."  
  
I nodded now and let my eyes roam his face, memorizing every detail of his features. His crooked smile, the way his hair was always gelled up, the chocolate brown of his deep eyes, and anything else that I could find to help me remember.  
  
*  
_Like sand on my feet,_

_The smell of sweet perfume,_

_ You stick to me forever,_

_and__ I wish you didn't go,_

_I wish you didn't go,_

_I wish you didn't go away, _

_To touch you again,  
With life in your hands,_

_It couldn't be any harder  
_  
*  
  
"So you're flight is at ten?"  
  
"Yea, but I need to get there early for baggage check and all of the extra security scans."  
  
"I know."  
  
We fell again into silence, our minds both on the impending goodbye, but neither of us was ready for it to come. And so we were silent again, we had both said everything we wanted to say last night, and it seemed there was nothing left.  
  
We bother realized this at the same time, and without words did the only thing left for us to do. Our lips met in a final, emotional kiss into which went everything we had ever felt. All of the memories, and past fights and reconciliations, all of the moments of silence where we had just sat in the comfort of, understanding that there was no need to force conversation, all of the times when we had bantered and flirted, and finally all of the emotions of our time together, the ones standing out he brightest were those that had come into the light over the past few days. And I felt myself give way to the swell of sadness as I put everything I had into that last kiss, my hands running through his hair and trailing up his back for the final time, my mind finally allowing my heart to let it's full guard down and just be with him.  
*  
  
_You left me with goodbye and open arms, A cut so deep I don't deserve   
_  
*  
  
When we finally pulled apart the tears that I had bravely suppressed finally came into my eyes, and though they were not in his, and though they had never come to his in the past days, I knew they were there. Maybe not physically, but there was no denying the pained sadness I saw in his stare the second we parted. He began to pull himself out of my arms, but there was one more thing I wanted, I needed to hear it one more time, if not for my sake, then for the sake of my sanity, it wasn't something I could explain, I just needed him to say it one, last, time.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
He paused and waited for me to continue  
  
"I love you."  
  
He smiled sadly, "I love you to Rory."  
  
With that we pulled out of each other's grasp and I felt the tears begin to trickle down my face before I returned the sad smile and he pressed a light kiss onto my lips and whispered, "Goodbye Rory," before he turned to walk away.  
  
*  
  
_You were always invincible in my eyes,_

_the__ only thing against us now is time  
  
*  
  
Just before he got into the car I spoke one last time, "Goodbye Dodger." I said softly, yet he heard me. I had brought us back in time to our first real literary banter which also served as the first time we had made a true connection, and he understood and played along.  
  
"Dodger?" he questioned desolately, standing with his body leaning against the open door.  
  
I bit my lip before speaking this time, "Figure it out." I said as we shared gazes for one more moment before I looked away.  
  
This time he didn't respond, I hadn't expected him to, hadn't wanted him to really. Because with the response he gave over two years ago came the promise of a tomorrow full of literary banter, of secret smiles, of unbreakable connections, of shared happiness, and of eventual love, but this time there was no tomorrow. This was the end of our time together, and so there was no final "Oliver Twist."  
  
I felt him studying me, his eyes meticulously pouring over my every detail, and every detail of the town around him that he would miss sincerely without ever admitting it, committing everything he saw to his own personal book of our days, but I didn't look up, instead I focused on the ground in from of me and only brought my eyes up after a few moments to watch as he stepped into the passenger's seat and pulled the door closed.  
  
There wasn't anything odd about the way he closed the door, no loud slam or screech of the rusted hinges, it just clicked softly into place. But something about the way that door closed caused me to again look away sharply, like someone had just struck me across the face, leaving a tender red mark of the stinging, final irrevocability that I was now faced with.  
  
I listened as the engine of the truck gunned and it slid into gear, its wheels moving slowly at first, but then faster as it carried him away, and when I finally looked up it was gone. I watched the corner where it had disappeared for a while before collapsing onto the bench just outside of Luke's, my eyes set straight ahead and my arms folded across my chest as soft tears continued to stream down my cheeks.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
And before my memory of us closed to additions, I poured over the moment that served as both our saddest and happiest, letting myself feel it and experience it again, and then I closed our book for a while to allow myself to heal.  
  
"Jess?" He paused and waited for me to continue.  
  
I love you."  
  
He smiled sadly, "I love you to Rory."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
He had left me once before. That time he had said nothing, just disappeared in the night, the fact that he hadn't said goodbye left us room to come together again, and even though that time many miles had separated us I knew that it wasn't our end. Yet this time he had left me with a goodbye. He said it wasn't over, that we would see each other again, that everything would be ok. I knew though. This was the end of us. It may be eventually ok, but it will never again be the same. Never. I may see his face again, we may keep in touch, but this chapter of my life had come to a close, and I knew it would be a while before I could dry my eyes with finality and pick up the pen to begin a new one.  
And as the chapter came to a close I found myself remembering again, yet this time it was nothing specific. No particular words or glances or smiles, just the shocking revelation that, at any time, the Artful Dodger can slip unnoticed into your world. He has the power to make you cry, but the sweet smiles existing only for him come far more often. He can bring you up and then let you crash back down by toying with your emotions, yet he brings a level of comfortable and trusting equality rarely found elsewhere. You notice how easily you become lost in his eyes, and how even his gaze can make you question what you hold to be true. He can play and flirt and tease his way into your heart until one day you realize you have fallen for him. And you find that your world only makes sense when he is in it, that you only smile when you see him, and only frown when he isn't there. Then, just when everything is perfect and amazing and wonderful, he will disappear again. He will vanish from your world, providing you with more questions then answers and leaving no trace of his presence except the feeling of his touch on your lips, the lingering warmth of his embrace curling around your body, and two footprints. One emblazoned on your heart, and the other forever engraved in your own personal sands of time.  
  
_

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye, To be without you,  
Could it be any harder To watch you go, To face what's true  
If I only had one more day  
  
_

_I'd jump at the chance  
We'd drink and we'd dance  
And I'd listen close to your every word,  
As if its your last, Well I know its your last,  
Cause today, oh, you're gone_


	10. Author's Note

Hey guys! I just want to tack this on to tell you how much I truly appreciate all of your amazing feedback! You really know how to make a girl feel special don't ya!! But as to the question of an epilogue I have decided against doing one. Sorry for everyone who wanted one, especially you Lillian!!!! I just really like the way it turned out and I got so much positive feedback on the closure of the last chapter that I'm going to leave it as is because I can't come up with a way that would seal it better then that did.  
  
So In conclusion I would like to thank all of my reviewers, especially::: Emmy, Judy, Starbelly, Holly Gilmore, Purplemartian33, Alexa, and Emaline  
  
You guys were either faithful reviewers throughout the entire story or gave me such positive feedback that I can't not put you on that list because you have all inspired me to keep writing!  
  
OH and I almost forgot, none of this could have been done without the help of the amazing, the wonderful, the one and only . . . STEW PID!!! who was kind enough to pre-read my chapters and give me ideas and feedback to this story is officially dedicated to her!!  
  
And before I bow out I'll tell ya all that I'm working on something new, and its MUCH more upbeat. It's a Literati of course with Java Junkie undertones and a small little smidgen of Narcoleptic 


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